I actually almost couldn’t believe how unremarkable, deeply forgettable, and frankly lame “Fountain of Youth” was when I watched it. I’m a person who is, generally, skeptical of John Krasinski as an action star, but even his signature charm is missing from this movie; Natalie Portman, who won an Oscar, is almost as dreadful as she was in the “Star Wars” prequels. It’s not even the fault of either Krasinski or Portman, though; everyone is bad in this movie (even Stanley Tucci, who got roped into a roughly two-minute scene that appears to take place in Italy; maybe he phoned this in during a break on “Conclave?”). It’s probably because they’re saddled with some of, again, the worst and most clunky dialogue I’ve experienced in a while. After Portman’s Charlotte has encountered Luke’s sexy, brash shadow Esme and Luke later describes a prior run-in with the mysterious woman, Charlotte says to her brother, “When you say run-in, do you mean that weird, dysfunctional chemistry you two had going on?” Luke responds, “When you say chemistry, do you mean attraction?”
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“I’m now a fugitive of justice. Luckily, my son is now with me on the lam,” Charlotte later says while she’s drunk on Owens’ private plane. Shortly after that, she describes her husband as having “all the qualities of a dog,” at which point Luke wonders if he could “lick his own…” (Charlotte cuts him off and drags this crappy joke down even more by saying her husband didn’t have the “loyalty” of a dog.) In that same scene, Charlotte presses Luke about why he wants to find the fountain in the first place, and he lamely opines:
“Dad. Recognition. He deserves it. He didn’t insist upon it, but I will. After what he achieved? The world owes it to him. And our family name deserves to be revered.”
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“I don’t need reverence. Dad certainly doesn’t need reverence, because he’s dead,” Charlotte responds blithely. We’ve already been told, about twenty different times, that their explorer dad is dead, but I guess director Guy Ritchie and screenwriter James Vanderbilt were worried we all developed amnesia or sustained a head injury during this film. Yes, I’m dunking on this movie a lot. It’s just that … the world doesn’t need another “Red Notice” or “The Gray Man” or, frankly, another “Fountain of Youth.” Apple TV+, please don’t become Netflix! You guys make “Severance!” Don’t squander all of that good will!
“Fountain of Youth” is streaming on Apple TV+ now, but as you may have gathered, I do not recommend it.
